


Aging like Wine

by Stina



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Catholic Guilt, Catholicism, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25503106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stina/pseuds/Stina
Summary: Ronan's feelings associated with church and how they changed over time. A little bit of introspection.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	Aging like Wine

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fan fiction I've ever written, and I wrote it at 1a.m. It is un-betaed, so thank you for deciding to reading this; I hope its good and leave reviews or criticism in the comments. Also This could be very triggering to some so please look in the tags for TWs. This is also probably very OOC because this is venting a little.

Ronan had always associated certain feelings with Church.

His first association was as a child. It was the youthful wonder at the stained glass that coated the pews in many colors. It was happiness that radiated from Matthew and infected Ronan whenever he was sad or tired from waking up early for Mass. It was a simple joy that came from a belief that had never been questioned by grief and anger. 

Ronan’s wonder and happiness, that was beautiful like stained glass, was shattered into small shards of glass that cut anyone who tried to help him pick up the pieces when he found his father’s body. 

After that his feelings about church soured. It became a bitterness in his mouth that could have been the wine he drank during the Eucharist or the alcohol he was drowning himself in as the nightmares and self-hatred got worse. It felt like anger at the God who let his father get murdered, and left the body for Ronan to find. 

Soon the bitterness was joined by an ache in Ronan’s stomach every time he walked into church and looked at the statue of Jesus above the altar. It made him feel sick like he was going to throw up as he kneeled during mass and prayed for this feeling to go away. The cause of this was the boy Ronan couldn’t stop staring at the day before, a beautiful boy who looked like an angel, but must have been a demon that made Ronan feel like butterflies were fluttering around in his stomach, but when he realized what that meant, butterflies turned into needles in his stomach poking him and tearing out of him; it was a awful type of torture he didn’t think he deserved after the torment of his dreams and life. 

Ronan knew what happened when boys liked other boys, the older women in the church weren’t quiet when gossiping after church, about the boy who was kicked out and shunned for it. They said it was only right that the boy was disowned for sinning and turning his back on what god wanted for him. When he looked at Declan to see his reaction to the gossip; his face had been precisely blank when he glanced at the women, who were damning Ronan’s existence, but it had still felt like burning judgment when Declan had turned his head away from the gossipers, to where Ronan and Matthew were standing and raised an eyebrow at whatever expression had torn its way onto Ronan’s face before he could replace it with a sneer and leave the church.

Ronan never brought the subject up after that, preferring not to know if Declan, like other boys at Aglionby Academy tossed slurs around like baseballs. 

The Sunday after Ronan’s nightmares finally put him in the hospital, he went to church and the ache and bitterness had subsided as if Ronan had done his penance, and could be free for now. He could go to church and see Matthew without the guilt that he might taint him. This lasted until he was reminded of his sexuality again and learned to hide it without the guilt that used to tear him apart. 

Eventually he met Adam Parrish and learned to separate his feelings for Adam from his feelings about church. This worked until Adam moved into the small apartment above St. Agnes. It all felt bittersweet and fleeting, like he was barely balancing two heavy glass orbs that contained entire worlds and fighting not to fall, but he fell tumbling to the ground and losing sight of both orbs containing Adam and his God, until the dust cleared, and both orbs were miraculously intact. 

Ronan realized he could be with Adam and be Catholic, it didn’t matter what anyone thought. Church became sweet again, like wine aged long enough.

**Author's Note:**

> It started off good I thought but kinda devolved as I got more tired and skipped over canon entirely, but I still wanted to post this anyway, even though Its very short.


End file.
